Unfortunately, miscarriage may be a reality in any given pregnancy. Miscarriage figures are generally quoted as one in seven to as high as one in five pregnancies. A very slight increase in miscarriage rate may occur when assisted reproductive technology is used. About 75% of all miscarriages happen within the first 12 weeks. In the large majority of cases there is no obvious answer as to why a miscarriage has occurred, and in most cases no cause is ever found. The miscarriage rate does not appear to change for a second or third miscarriage, with the odds being practically the same, or may be just a little less, following three miscarriages.

Miscarriage is an emotionally difficult event to all. Some people appear to recover rapidly, and quickly seek to become pregnant again. Others find it much more difficult. Miscarriage following infertility treatment tends to complicate the process even more. However, each miscarriage must be seen as individualised to the individual and the couple in its effects, rather than more or less difficult due to infertility factors.

Bowlby (1980), an internationally recognised figure in the area of child adoption and loss, stated: "Parents... should be allowed to visit a sick infant.' to participate in his care, and to be with him when he dies. After death they should be encouraged to see him, touch him, and hold him. He should be given a funeral, a grave, and, when possible, a name. Without such provision the parents are faced with a non-event and no-one to mourn."

Miscarriages not only includes the medical realities, but also emotional and psychological reaction. Some feelings may include:

Am I doomed to failure and to suffer so much grief?
Am I physically and mental ready to start again?
Failure after failure, how much more can I take?
Now I'm going backwards, what used to not bother me now does.
I'm determined to get some control back, pushing myself.
Why me, why us?
What did I do?
What did we do?
Sadness, I just cry.
I can't hold another baby.
I'm scared of getting pregnant again.

As stated, miscarriage is an individual, couple, and also a family loss. Grieving, loss, sadness and guilt are common emotions. Often the lack of even a physical form to mourn makes it more difficult, with many even close friends and relatives not even knowing a pregnancy existed, let alone was lost. One main element to coping is to give the unborn an identity. This may be from holding the baby, if possible, or giving it a name which is shared just between the two of you, or in the wider family. Talk about your baby, rather than hide he/she away in a forgotten or dark world of the past. Look at having a farewell ceremony, no matter how long ago the miscarriage was. This may simply involve a dinner out or at home, baking a cake dedicated to your baby, or some token which is special to you as individuals and a couple. Don't try to continuously deny your feelings, keeping them inside yourself is not going to assist. If you can't talk to others talk to your baby, and hopefully your spouse.

In most cases no reason for the miscarriage will be known. Many people then will naturally blame themselves. It isn't your fault, but express your feelings so you can have them challenged as being wrong. If you think something for long enough you will start to believe it. Most couples also then feel anxiety about becoming pregnant again, in case the next pregnancy should miscarry also. Talk to your doctor whether this is a chance or not, rather than just remaining anxious.

The loss you feel and have experienced may take a long time to feel less painful, but the memory of your baby will never go away, as will some of the pain. The baby, and miscarriage will slowly become part of your life. As stated, talking can help, especially talking to others who have suffered similar losses. Empty-Cradles, an online support group for bereaved parents may be helpful for this, when you feel ready to face new people who have an understanding of your loss.

Eventually life will return to normal, not as before, but to a new normal with new insight into yourself, partner and others. Hopefully you will achieve another pregnancy if you try again. Whichever, one baby will live on in your heart forever.

About the Author:

Michael Condon is a Clinical Psychologist/Counselor and helps women and families cope the loss of a loved one or infertility struggles.

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Copyright © 2000 Michael Condon, All Rights Reserved Reprinted with Permission